You laughed when you said ego death was weird, and I didn't quite understand what you meant, but I told you I knew because I wanted you to like me.
Now we are actually friends, I should tell you that ego death, depersonalisation, dissociation, was not something I got to eat on a road trip with my friends.
I first died as a child, I fell into a chasm of my consciousness, hid in that hole like a dropped dead body whenever the bears came. My ego died the day I thought my father would murder me he screamed so loudly. My ego died when my grandfather touched my child body the wrong way, and I had to live with myself, and him, afterwards. My ego dies when the waves of self-hatred come, boiling hot water floods me, at least once a day, from my baby years to now, everytime I remember what he did to my body.
I dissociate all day, because random things remind me of being attacked, or of living in an unsafe environment. If you are to stay alive, you must kill the ego, for it will not keep you alive. A cool head, a deceptive disconnection from the reality of your life will be what keeps you moving.
Do I not deserve something better? I am in so much pain every day, its like I get high off of how much I can withstand. Can I not be conscious of my surroundings and happy at the same time? Or at least content?
4 November 2020
💓💓
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